Breaking Free: Unveiling the Patterns in Love

Listen in to my amazing conversation with Stephanie Flygare on the Dating After Divorce Summit, I think you're going to love it! 

The conversation went deep and I shared all my best insights on how to find deep, committed, and secure love. Trust me, it's a journey worth taking.

Struggling with confidence, dealing with a toxic relationship and searching for personal fulfilment led me down a completely different path from the one I'd planned. 

These experiences have not only shaped me but have given me the tools to help others break free from mental and emotional blocks.

One of the biggies we talked about is understanding our patterns in relationships, especially after a divorce. 

We spoke about many juicy things and here are three keys I shared for building successful relationships and how to navigate them:

• Understanding Your Values
• Deep Love Strategy
• Negative Anchors

We also touched on the power of forgiveness – for yourself and for past partners and how letting go can open up so many new possibilities.

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Transcript

Sian: 0:25

Hello and welcome to the Vibrant Mind Vibrant Life podcast. Now this week's episode is something slightly different. If you've been following me, you'll know that I have been part of a summit recently with the lovely Stephanie Flauguer. we did the Dating After Divorce podcast. Summit. So it's all about finding deep love, finding committed and secure love after you've gone through a breakup. And we had a wonderful conversation where I shared the best insights that I have right now to assist you, to support you in being able to resolve any emotions, any belief, any baggage, for want of a better word, that you may be bringing from previous relationships, from the past, any programs that you've created, into the now, which is then creating the relationships that you go on to have. Now whilst I haven't been through a divorce, I have been through a breakup from a long term relationship and I know the rollercoaster that goes with it. And the transformation that I've experienced personally along the way has been incredible. It was really an opportunity for me to look in the mirror. to reflect it back at me and say, right, what is it that I need to change? Because I knew that I was struggling with confidence. I was in a toxic relationship and the real deep reason that that was happening, that I was allowing that to be my experience was because of what was going on internally. And the path that that led me down is one that I would never have planned for. And it's the reason now that I work with other people, it's shaped who I am, it's given me the tools to support people to break free from the mental, from the emotional blocks, from the patterns that keep them stuck, that keep them repeating the behaviours that aren't serving them. So we cover a lot during the interview, including the three keys to build a successful relationship and also how to navigate them as well. So there's a lot of juicy information. There's lots of practical takeaways. So whether you are going through a divorce, you have gone through a divorce. You've gone through a breakup, or you're looking for love, There is something for everybody in there. Now before we get into the interview, I just wanted to remind you if you haven't signed up yet, there's still a chance to join me on my online breakthrough breathwork. session on the 12th of June. So I've moved the date slightly. It's going to be the 12th of June at 8pm UK time and it is only 10. It is an absolute bargain. This is for your first session. The price will be going up after that but Breathwork is something that has had a profound impact in my life. It's beautiful. The most amazing thing about it is that you don't necessarily need to know what the problem is. Your body holds onto emotions, particularly as women, in our hips. Maybe you find your hip, your hips ache. and breathwork is an amazing and really powerful way to really bring out those emotions and release them, you feel the physical release in your body, really powerful stuff, really cathartic and a big shift in energy. So if you want to join me for that, I do still have a few spaces left, head to the link in the show notes, and if you can't make it live, there will be access to the replay so you can still benefit from all the goodness. So, hopefully I'll see you there. Until then, enjoy the interview and let me know what your biggest takeaways are. I'd love to hear from you and also let me know what you want me to talk about next. What are the things that you're struggling with? What are the things that you would like to hear more about? And until then, enjoy the episode!

3:49

Hello, hello, welcome back to another day of dating after divorce break free from attracting the same old partners to attract love that is deep. Committed and secure interview series for those that have been listening in, you already know, but for those that are just joining this series, it's your give it to me straight resource for practical and actionable advice that is going to take you one step closer to attracting love. That is deep. Committed and secure. I am your host, Stephanie Flegary. And today we have Shawn Hill, who is an internationally certified trainer of the Neuro Linguistic Programming, NLP, Timeline Therapy, Hypnotherapy, and Master Coach. She supports people to in reprogram their unconscious mind Rewiring old belief systems, breaking through lifelong mental and emotional blocks so they can, so they can create a life of that, that they love. She's also the author of the book, active, activate your R a S the art and science of creating your reality from the inside out and the host of the vibrant mind, vibrant mind, vibrant life. Podcast man, that was a mouthful is here to provide you with the, give it to me straight goods and help you move one step closer to attracting love as we explore this insightful conversation on breaking free, unveiling the patterns of love. Uh, so Sean, why don't you get us started by sharing a little bit about your story and about how you got to where you are today? Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for the, uh, the introduction. It was a tongue twister there. I was like, So, um, as you mentioned, I'm a trainer of NLP timeline therapy, hypnotherapy, all things kind of what you could call mental and emotional, um, getting to know yourself. uncovering the stuff that, that doesn't work for you, that keeps you stuck and then having the tools to release it. So I trained coaches to do that and then work one to one with people. That was never the plan. I didn't come out of the womb and think, right, when I grow up, I'm going to be an NLP trainer. So growing up, I always wanted to be an actress. That was the dream. And I pursued it as a little kid enthusiastically. I was, you know, had the main parts in the school play. And I remember my mom buying me a typewriter when I was younger and I used to type letters to the TV companies to say, can I please be on telly? And, uh, uh, so that, that was where, that was the trajectory of my life. What people didn't realize back then is I had so little confidence. It was almost like being on the stage was a bit of a mask and a facade. So when I got to being a teenager, I, um, and my careers advisor said to me, that's not a proper job. What are you really going to do? I thought, Oh, I've been let off the hook because I didn't really believe it was going to happen anyway. And I was scared that if I put myself out there, I would fail and I'd be rejected. So I put down the dream and just. Got myself into the, you know, went to college and just started working in, uh, jobs that didn't fulfill me. Let's put it that way. Then by my mid, mid to late twenties, I was in a toxic relationship. I'd been in it since I was 20. I'd gotten myself into debt. I, uh, I had health problems. Life wasn't where I thought it was. I was going to be a fast approaching 30. And I always assumed that when I got to 30, I'd have. the house, the relationship, the dream career. I'd kind of, you know, tick all the boxes and I wasn't close to any of them. Um, It was around that same time that my mum gave me a book, The Secret, and it said, you know, you can create your own reality. Your thoughts become things. And I remember reading it and having a kind of an inner knowing that it was true. And when I looked at my life and I thought, right, how is it that this is what I've created? It's like, if you create your own reality, what the heck have I done? Did I botch it? I, it was a real kind of moment of reflection and looking at how is this possible yet when I reverse engineered it and I looked at the thoughts that I was having and the way that I felt I was like this is absolutely. Why I am where I am because you know, the voice in my head was not very kind. I was constantly beating myself up, telling myself I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worthy. Hence why I was in a relationship that was abusive, mentally, emotionally, physically. So I kind of the aha moment. Oh yeah, I, I have created this so excitedly at the same time. I was like, right. So If I created this and I can create anything, it means I can change everything. So I was doing all of the things, the, the affirmations, the visualization, the vision boards, putting it out there, placing my order to the universe. And not a lot was happening. I'd have moments of feeling better. I'd have little signs, but not a lot of momentum was being generated from that. And if anything, it reinforced the belief that I wasn't good enough because I was like, right, see, I can't even do this. Yeah, I'm not good enough to create my own reality. I can't do it. Like frustrating. Yeah, that was the exact word. Really, really frustrated. So that sent me down a bit of a rabbit hole because I'm a bit stubborn. I'm asking if, if there's a will, there's a way. Uh, and as I ventured down that rabbit hole, that was when I stumbled across this thing called NLP, which was kind of described as the user manual for your mind. And I was like, that's what I need because I don't understand how it is that I'm creating this, these thoughts. I really wanted to get into the mechanics of how to make those changes. So I enrolled on a course purely for personal development reasons. I was like, I just want to get rid of what felt like a brick wall in front of me. I was like, yeah, by this point kind of re sparked the idea that maybe I could be an actress, but it wasn't really happening because the metaphorical brick wall felt very, very real. Right. Um, So I did this course and during that time it really changed my whole outlook on life. Things started shifting. I started getting some auditions for acting work that I'd never thought was possible. Um, So I was hooked by that point and decided to do my master practitioner, which is kind of like level two. And that course changed everything for me. That was the real kind of pivotal moment of realizing, although I've been focusing all my energy on my career, to have that career, Yeah, I've gotta leave the relationship because the two are never gonna coexist. Thought that I don't have the support system there, the environment is never gonna, um, empower me to go out and create what I wanted. So although the career was kind of the, the thing that, the catalyst to create the change, the big change that happened was the leaving of the relationship after 10 years. So that led me then on a whole different trajectory. I started getting some acting work, things were going well, my health improved almost literally overnight, um, everything was going great. And then I decided it was time to do my trainer's training kind of purely because I remember getting a job one day. an acting job and I had a script and there were loads of lines and I looked at the script and I thought, oh, I've got to learn lines and I was really put out by it. I thought, hang on, surely my whole life I dreamed about having words and then I got them and I was like, yeah, this is really inconvenient. And I thought, hang on, Am I just now pursuing the childhood dream to prove to myself that I could, but my passion wasn't really in it anymore. And I realized that my passion was in the stuff that I'd learned to be able to start achieving those dreams. So I was like the, the tools that have got me to hear out there, what I talk about all day long, they're what I love sharing. So I did my trainer's training and then I've been working full time as a trainer and a coach for I think six, six years now. Um, so yeah, that's kind of led me here today. Uh, thank you for sharing that. And I always love hearing all these stories cause you'll hear how it unfolds and what it, for a majority of, um, those that I speak with, they, it never ends up being where they expect it to be. And I resonate with this because for myself, and this is like, like nine, it's Completely different. I wanted to be like an FBI agent. So how is it you want to be an FBI agent to actually be here serving and supporting and coaching women? It's a complete thing. You're an, you're an investigator of the mind. Yes. Yes. That's basically going through that same process, but I love it. And without going down that rabbit hole, I totally resonate with, you know, I did not expect to be here, but this is where, where it is. This is where I want to be. And this is my passion. So thank you for sharing that. Um, But getting right into it, uh, we often hear that we need to focus on ourselves and to have self care and self love when it comes to healing after a divorce or healing from our past. So We can have the relationship that we want and desire. And for some, they may hear it so much that it may either one overwhelm them from the, all the information that is out there, or two, it could desensitize some from fully realizing the impact. Or are the impact when it's implemented and integrated in their life. So with this in mind, why is our relationship with ourselves important when, when it comes to relationship with others? Right. Are you ready to get juicy? Yes. Lay it on me. So the way that I look at this is the world outside of us is a reflection of what's going on internally. So we're only ever really in a relationship with ourselves. There may be other people that we're interacting with, but the way that we interact with them is based on our inner world, our beliefs, our emotions. Now, the reason that I think this is important is because, um, from experience. Leaving a relationship after a long time, which was, you know, although we weren't married, we're engaged. It was leaving my whole life. I had cats, just the logistics was, you know, it's overwhelming. And then to start dating again, that's a big transition regardless. It's a big transition. And that's the thing, isn't it? It's not just the, the leaving of the partner. It's everything else. Yeah. That goes with it, which that in and of itself can be enough to kind of stop people in their tracks and think, yeah, how am I going to recalibrate my whole life, let alone. I'm now on my own, so managed to do that, started the whole dating scene and very quickly realized it was almost like me back when I was 20, but I aged 10 years and that was now back on the scene and I very quickly realized that I was attracting, you know, different, it was different places, different faces, but many of the same attributes and I thought, right, there's the common denominator here is me. So like, what is it that I need to look at? Now this is where I, using the world as a mirror, it's almost like if you imagine you're, the world outside of you is a reflection of you. So if you were to hold up a physical mirror and look into it, and you didn't like what you saw, let's say your mascara was smudged, you wouldn't lean into the mirror to rub the mascara. You, you would change, you start scribbling on a new hairdo. It's like, if the reflection, if the, the interactions that you're having with people outside of you aren't what you desire, that's an opportunity to go, right, what is it within me that I need to change so that the, the, the reflection outside of me is different? Now, to give you a kind of real tangible example of this, because this isn't about kind of, oh, blaming ourselves and going, so everybody outside of me, it's, it's not to do with them. It's all to do with me. Therefore, it's my fault. It's. Looking at it, kind of, what are the patterns that I'm finding in the relationships that I've been creating, so whether it's the, the past relationship, or even the current relationships that you're entering into, be it new relationships, where are you triggered? Because that is information about what is it that I need to heal. So it brings it back to self. About how can I begin to love myself so that the stuff outside of me then no longer has that hold on me. Now, if you think about it with, um, with other people, let's say there's somebody that, who is attracted to people that are what you call emotionally unavailable. So, you know, that, that could be the pattern. Like everybody I go for, it's like, they're just, they're absent, they're elsewhere. If you were to use the mirror principle and go, right, so what is it within me? It could be that somewhere deep inside in their mind, there's maybe like a fear of intimacy. So although the words that they're saying are, I want somebody who's committed. I want somebody who's all in, that's the words that are using. And that is the desire. It can create almost a conflicting energy, like I'm saying the right things and I want it, but then I'm pushing you away because I've got this fear that I could get hurt or, you know, I'm fear of you getting close and what that means. So again, this is kind of realizing that it's never anything to do with the person outside of us. It's all to do with who we are and what we need to work through to be able to create the relationship outside of us that we want. Which can be a little bit uncomfortable. It's almost taking complete ownership. Cause I'll be honest with you. When I left, yeah, when I was in that relationship, I wanted to blame him for everything. Cause it was all his fault. He was, you know, he was the one that was cheating. He was the one that was doing all of these things. Yeah. When I, you know, I took responsibility and thought actually without my participation in this relationship, it wouldn't be a relationship. So I am actively choosing to be here. Although I felt like I had no choice, I was there. And when I turned the mirror inwards, it was like, he's treating me how I feel I deserve to be treated. I'm treating myself worse than he could ever treat me. With the internal kind of beating I was giving myself, the lack of self worth. So it was no wonder that the relationship I'd created was one. That treated me in that very same way. When I begin to kind of heal that and learn and sit with it and be okay with it. That was when everything started to shift. How I realized I deserve better than this started owning that power. I was like, I don't even want to be here anymore. I was just going to say, I was like, well, I know that a lot of women can resonate with that where they're like, well, It's his fault is, you know, pointing fingers, you know, what, what, what, what he's doing this, this, and this, I didn't do that. I wasn't the one that, you know, jeopardize this relationship. It was him. Yeah. I would get into that, that, that whole entire battle. And I loved how you brought in that example of you would not go in, rub the mascara off of the mirror. You would rub it off of yourself. Okay. What, what is it that I want to fix? What do I want to focus on and how can I correct that? So I love that example because it really paints that, that pretty picture and kind of brings it together to really make it easy to understand, understand. So thank you for that. And I guess it kind of leads us to, um, The next, next question, which is when we attract the same partners that we do not desire. And what does that say about, about the relationship with ourselves? And I know you touched a little bit more on that, or you touched a little on that, but as far as attracting partners, can you elaborate just a little bit more? Yeah. Yeah. Um, as mentioned, it can be uncomfortable. Yeah, and quite deep. So the, it's based on the kind of the shadow self, which is whatever we deny in ourselves. whatever we say we are not and would never do that, that it falls deeply unconscious so we become almost unaware of that we are all capable of everything given the right circumstances. So we almost reject it in ourselves and make it bad or wrong and then The unconscious mind is the one that steers, you know, our unconscious mind is responsible for our beliefs, our emotions, our values, everything that kind of creates who we are and drives our behavior and the actions that we take and the things that we notice in our life or don't. And so the stuff that falls really unconscious, that tends to really steer the ship. So we end up, we deny it in ourselves and therefore we find it in other people. So we almost project it from inside of us. To the external world and that's what we end up attracting. And that's what, that's where our triggers are really powerful because think of it a bit like this. If, if somebody said to you today, um, like, Oh, you are unfaithful. You're a cheater. But, and somebody you didn't know and you knew that you weren't like, what are you talking about? No, I'm not. What is this strange person on about? Whereas if you were cheating, then that could really evoke some emotion. Cause it's like, I know I'm doing this behavior. Yeah. So when it comes to, to kind of bring it back to where we're triggered and how that can really serve us is if there's something in somebody else that is really causing you an issue in terms of patterns, like they're never showing up for me, you know, they never want to spend time with me or something like that. And it, it. brings awareness to you that this is bothering me, then turn it inwards and say, right, where am I maybe not showing up for myself? Where am I not showing up in other areas in my life? Where am I not showing up for other people in different ways? Because it doesn't necessarily have to be like for like. Right, right. Yeah, it's some, on some level there's some kind of reflection going on that is serving as a gift to us. It's saying, hey, here's this thing that is ready for you to heal. Yeah. We've got to be willing to accept. Yeah, I was just going to say, yeah, it's like, I'll give you a different example in another context to kind of bring it to life. So let's say somebody may say, I would never do what my ex did, you know, or my, my partner or whatever, you know, I would never cheat. I would never just be mean or not show up, whatever it might be. And wholeheartedly believe that. Put yourself in the right context and we're all capable of all behaviors. It doesn't mean we do it, yet denying that we would ever do it is what causes the emotion around it. So let's say somebody said, I would never be violent. Like it's wrong, it's bad and it evokes emotion in them. Like I would never do that. Now take that same person and put them in a situation where their child is being threatened with a knife. I bet they would be violent. Yes, I was like, it's a whole nother story. It's like game on. That got tossed outside the window. So whilst it may not be what we do in that, that context, it may not be how we behave day to day, denying that we would ever do it. Yeah. pushes it deep down into our unconscious mind and we steer, you know, it's steering our decisions and we reject it in other people and the stuff that we resist, the things that we reject, they persist. So that's why they end up showing themselves. If you imagine, you know, the resistance that we put on things saying, that's not me, I'm rejecting it, I would never do that. If you're pushing something away, imagine you're pushing a person over, they're going to push back and it's the same with energy. It's the same with resisting something that I would never do that. That's not me pushing against it. So guess what? It's bringing itself into our awareness. It's, it's making itself known in our existence. Whereas if we can just accept, you know what? I'm not saying I condone this behavior. I'm not saying that I would do it day to day, yet given the right circumstances, we're all capable of everything. And that just starts to release that resistance. And when the resistance dissipates, it's like, it doesn't need to make itself known anymore. It's not persisting and pushing itself into our world. And then we stopped seeing it. I love all that was like a perfect example. It was like with a nice little bow on it, but I know oftentimes, like when we hear the word trigger or it has like this very, Ooh, like that doesn't feel right, like, uh, do we have to talk about that or put this very negative, um, light on it, but what I love that you said is, well, okay, let's, Look at that trigger. What is triggering you and really look at it as a gift, because that is something that, that you need to heal, but coming at it from a different perspective, it could really shift your energy at that time. Instead of like, Oh God, here we go again. I'm being triggered. I'm being reactional. I don't like this feeling. I don't like this and I don't want to deal with it. So I loved how you, you brought up. That word, which was gift and it is a gift. If you so choose for it to be a gift. Absolutely. It's an opportunity because you know, the, the, what you could call the shadow self, the dark side, it's not shadow, bad hidden. It's just unseen. It's unconscious in that there's, if you think of it literally like a shadow, there's not a light shining on it. So by seeing the triggers as a gift, that's essentially shining the light onto those shadows. Onto those unconscious parts of ourselves. So we can go, Oh, what is it that I'm not seeing? That's within me. That's reflecting the smudged mascara in the mirror. I feel like I've read that in a book, that analogy. So I want to claim it as my own, but I'm sure that I didn't, that I haven't made it up. I love it though, regardless. But what would be the first step one should take to stop from attracting the same partners that they do not desire? And why is this the first step so important? So, the first step, I would say, is to become conscious of the unconscious patterns. Because you can Immediately go to look for a new partner, which is fine because, you know, there's nothing quite like stepping into a relationship to have those things revealed to you. Yeah, if you are in the place where you're single, ready to mingle. Use the opportunity, use the previous relationships from the past and maybe the patterns that are coming into your awareness, you know, that you're consciously aware of now, those triggers to find out where am I repeating the same kind of patterns, which will highlight to you, you know, what is it within me? What, you know, where is that coming from? Get clear on what it is that you want, because what can often happen, there's so much energy kind of spent on those past relationships and the reasons why they didn't work and, you know, thinking it was a waste of time and all that stuff. And it's like, no, everything that was meant to have happened, enfolded in the way that it did, because that's where you were at the time. So it's perfect. And how can you use that energy to then go, right, I know what it is I don't want. What is it that I do want? Because you know, if you ask anybody, myself included, when you're newly out of a relationship, Oh, what, what are you looking for? Well, I don't want somebody who's this. I don't want somebody, you know, and I'm never going. And you get what you focus on, whether you want it or not. So when you become aware of those things, these are all the things I don't want. It's like, right. So what do I want? What are the, the characteristics of somebody? What are the, you know, what is the kind of energy that I want to be around? So really kind of getting to know you and your desires, the things that are going to light you up in that relationship. And apart from anything that can be fun. Cause I think there can be, as I mentioned, so much energy towards resisting the past and repeating it, that it ends up doing that. So it's like, right. If I had this blank slate right now, all things are possible. What would this relationship look like? How would I be spending my time? Kind of get playful in the energy of the birth of something new. Um, So that, that is a starting point. Um, I don't know if you want me to carry on this kind of, no, no, I was just making sure I wasn't, uh, interrupting you, but yes, thank you, thank you for breaking that down and actually having a nice, um, starting off point, if you will, because I know those might be coming in like, okay, this is a lot of information that we covered. So how. Where should I start? Should I begin? This is overwhelming. Yeah. It's what I would say. So discovering what you want, your unconscious mind to kind of get a bit of context to that as well, doesn't process negatives. If I say to you, don't think of chocolate. You have to think of chocolate to not think of it. So guess where your focus is then. So when, you know, to again, move it to another context, if people are focusing on health fitness, they're like, right, I'm not going to drink chocolate. I'm going to stop drinking wine. I won't be getting out of bed at eight and it's all the things I'm not going to do. Well, your mind is like a computer program, like a sat nav. So you're keying in the destination of where you want to go. And it's going, here's all the ways that you can get there. So instead it's like, right, let me point that satnav towards I'm going to eat vegetables. I'm going to exercise or yeah, what are the wanted things? Same with relationships, turn it towards what you want. Then in terms of the becoming aware of the triggers, this is a, a day by day. This is the, the best way to do it is to just live. If you go and experience life. It will bring into your awareness the things that you need to work on. The key is to notice it in the moment. So rather than just reacting, it's almost, Oh, let me stop myself there. What's going on? Rather than going kind of hunting for it and go, right. Yeah. Don't need to hunt for it. Let me, let me see those triggers. It's like, no, they will present themselves to you and your mind. Your unconscious mind only ever reveals to you what you're ready to deal with. So if those triggers are coming up, if you're suddenly going, Oh, I'm recognizing that, it's because you're ready for it. It's because you've got the tools, you've got the resource, you've got the experience, you're emotionally capable of handling what you're presented with. I love that too. And going back like to, um, being healthy and fit and losing weight and going in that direction. Um, now having it focused on the relationship, what are the keys to creating a successful relationship? Yeah. So there are three keys. There are, there are more, but the, um, which, um, Kind of, it continues on with the, the theme of getting to know yourself and getting to love yourself and fully accepting yourself. Cause unless you fully accept yourself, how can you possibly expect somebody to fully accept you as you are? So when it comes to relationships, there are three keys to making it successful. And there are also the three reasons why relationships fail predominantly. The first one is about our values. So our values are what's important to us. They are what give us the energy, the drive to get out of bed in the morning. They're what we're willing to invest our time and energy into. And then what we use after the event to gauge was the, the, the experience I had was the thing, were the things that happened, were they good or bad, bad, wrong or right? So there, there are measuring, um, a measure for whether we're living in alignment with what's important to us or not. When it comes to relationships, it's super important to first of all know your own values. So that's as simple as asking yourself, what's important to me in a relationship? And writing it all down. What else is important to me in a relationship? And what else is important to me? And then putting it in order. What's the most important value? Right, the way through your top five values are the ones that you're going to be the most important. Yeah, they are the highest criteria and they're the ones that will dictate most of your life. They determine what you do, your partner then, or potential partner. You can almost see this like an interviewing process of finding out what are their values? Are they in alignment? Yeah. Yes, because this is where some of the clash can happen. If you've got similar values. then of course, those same things are going to be important to you. So you'll unconsciously just fulfill them without even realizing it. If your values are different and you don't know this about each other, this is where people can apply meaning to stuff. So let me give you an example. Imagine you've got person A and in their top five values in a relationship, it's things like spending time with each other. is really important. Um, honesty is really important. And then you've got person B and the things that are important to them are, uh, connection, having fun. Now you want to find out, right, these things are important, but what do they mean? Because Person B may go right. Connection to me is it's not about how much time we spend together. It's about the time when we are together that we really have fun. So they could spend an hour with you a week and they think, yeah, this is great. We've got an amazing relationship because my values are being satisfied. Whereas person A is applying meaning and thinking, well, they obviously don't care because they'd never want to spend that much time with me, not realizing that they've just got different values. So it's finding out. What are your values, and how do you know that they're being fulfilled, how do you know they've been satisfied, and then consciously making, you know, if, if your values are the same, great, that's, that's even better. If there are some differences, making sure you know that, so that you can fulfill each other's, you can get creative with how can we, Make sure that we're both satisfied. Otherwise people end up just filling their own, fulfilling their own values and not each other's. And then they wonder why things don't work. What's going on? Yeah, absolutely. I love those examples because, um. And like looking at it in that perspective, again, it's just like what you said, you put that meaning on it and it could be completely different. They're like, how is it that, you know, we can be so good at times we connect and we're flowing and we're feeling good. And then other times really, it's. What happened? Where are we going? And it is that the story that's then created, which is usually the, the past negative emotions from those experiences where there was hurt, there was fear, there was anger, there was sadness, guilt. All of those things are then overlaid into the present moment. And that's the lens that people are viewing that experience through. So, you know, somebody may be. late getting home. And it's like, well, they obviously don't care because, you know, turning up and being present is really important to me. And they're not, they're not respecting that. And this is when negative emotions present themselves. It's like information and feedback that my, my values are either being violated or they're not being met. So if you understand that, you can go, right. Check in with myself, where are we not fulfilling each other's values and how can we make that happen? So thank you for giving those examples. Those are prime examples of how it can unfold and how it naturally does. And it does occur, but talking about like past relationships. If we find ourselves like looking back at our past relationships and we see that we missed like some of these keys to a successful relationship, does that mean it will take longer to heal or to attract love or a new partner if we don't have that? I wouldn't say it would take longer. Um, In an ideal world, or in my ideal world, because I can only speak about it from my perspective. Yeah. Wherever possible, I'd say everybody that has the opportunity to work with a coach, if relationships are important, if it, you know, it is important to, to break that cycle, to break that cycle. pattern and create a relationship that is fulfilling, then ideally work with a coach using whatever modalities resonate, because, you know, everybody will have different kind of tools and techniques that they relate to more so than others. You use it to heal the past, to release the, the anger, the sadness, maybe the beliefs that have been created. Um, even beliefs such as, um, you know, when I was newly, newly, Single and unleashed in the world, I realized I had a belief that all the good ones were taken because I was 30 and it was like, there's none left, which is crazy, you know, how many people in the world we've all resonated with that. Yeah. wherever possible. If you want to fast track the process, then there are ways that you can do that. And otherwise, even just being aware of this stuff can be enough to begin to change the thought process, because knowing it, you are opening up your mind to different ways of thinking, which will then start to create different pathways. And you'll start to become aware of, you know, maybe different people that you would have otherwise dismissed because it's, Oh, hang on a second. This person is different to what I would usually have gone for, but maybe, maybe that's just a, you know, maybe I'll have a little experiment. So you can begin to get a bit playful with it. And you know, if you think of, beliefs as these things that like to prove themselves right, you know, you believe something so your mind looks for evidence for it and then it proves itself to be true. So then you go, I knew it was true. And it reinforces itself. You know, you act in accordance with your beliefs. So they continue to kind of, you know, build upon that belief. Whereas if you can just start to open up your mind and become aware of, Oh, that's what it is. It's a, maybe it's a value of mine that is clashing with this person's, that kind of begins to break down the belief because it's, Oh, maybe that's not true. It's just how I've been viewing the world. So even that awareness piece is enough to start just questioning, is this true or um, is this just the way that I've been thinking up until now? And could something else be true? Because even if you start to ask yourself, could something else be true? Could it be that maybe there are some ones out there? That are still available, that are good. Out there, you know. Not every single one of them. You almost begin to bridge the, the gap of here's where I am, here's where I want to be. So rather than me telling myself I'm amazing, I'm worthy, I believe that all the, the brilliant men are still available. It's like, could I just get on board with the next belief along? Maybe it's, you know, there, there are opportunities still there, maybe there, there can be a good long lasting relationship. And the more that you do that, the more your mind is going to look for all the evidence to support that belief until it becomes true. And then it's like, what about the next one? And that could be as quickly as, you know, an hour a day. There's no kind of time involved. It's just as quickly as your mind will accept it. Um, so yeah, that's, I don't know if that answered your question. I just realized I was like, so, so, um, having these thoughts in my mind, when, as you talk in, oh, another question, another question that I got ahead of myself, but circling back, I know that we have like those three keys. What are those, uh, other two keys? That way we're not skimming over that. So I apologize everyone. I was like, well, how this past relationship and how can we break past the attracting the same partners? But yes, please. Can you, uh, state what those other two, uh, keys of success for a successful relationship are? Yeah, absolutely. So the, the second key is what's known as our deep love strategy. Mm. So it's how internally we know that we are loved. Yeah. Now there are the, there are different ways that people know that they're loved. Some people, um, it's in the way that people look at them. So it's like the look of love. Um, or if they're, they're taken places shown kind of visually that they are loved. Then there's auditory. So those that need to be told whether it's certain words or in a certain tone, then there's the kinesthetic people. They need to be touched in a certain place or held. It's the, you know, the, the connection in that way. And then, um, there's also those that need certain words or actions or, you know, gifts or kind of, um, that kind of way of showing acts of kindness or love to be, for them to know that they're loved. Now again, so as people, there's the whole, the, the saying, treat people as you would like to be treated. I say, treat people how they want to be treated, which may be different to how you want to be treated. So again, understand just by asking, how do you know that you loved? Is it, you know, is it the way I look at you? Is it what I say? Is it the way I hold you? Or is it the kind of the, the acts that I carry out when you understand each other's deep love strategy, you can fulfill each other's because otherwise what we do is fulfill our own. And this can play out in, you know, They obviously don't love me, you know, and they're saying, but I've told you 50 times today, but you haven't taken me anywhere. And it's just, it's all about communication and understanding. This is, this is me and this is them. And we're two separate people whilst we are a partnership, we are two individuals in a partnership and let's understand each other so that we can fulfill each other's deep love strategy. Could be like, you know, one person likes notes. The other person wants to be held. So you can again, make sure that you satisfy each other's. Um, so that's the second thing. The third thing then is negative anchors. So an anchor is when we have. Um, a, an external stimulus, something that we see, something that we hear, something that we touch, that is neurologically linked and associated with a feeling inside of us. So, real life example, you smell a certain perfume and it reminds you of a person and you get all those feelings come rushing back. Or you, uh, you know, when you smell sun cream, it's like, Oh, I'm instantly on holiday. And you've got all those holiday feelings. When it comes to relationship, there's the our song. Kind of anchor. So, you know, the song that you associate with that person and you can have all the feelings about that person, which when you're in the relationship in the early days are probably wonderful. When it's after the relationship and that same song comes on, maybe the emotions have shifted somewhat. And it's like, yeah, I want to turn back. But there, yes, I resonate relationships today, those negative anchors, they can play out in things like, um, you know, every time somebody leaves their boots in the hall or doesn't do the washing. And it's like, suddenly there's these trigger points in the house. that could be absolutely tiny. It could be that they sing in the shower and, you know, through repetition of maybe feeling irritated on a day whilst that singing was happening, the brain has linked your mood with that singing. So now every time the singing happens, it's like, it's that. And it's got nothing to do with that. That just happened to be the thing that was in the background at the time. So recognizing where am I triggered? And yeah, again, there are techniques that can kind of collapse that. So the brain is no longer associated with it in, you know, everyday terms and what you've got to work with is just realizing, okay, maybe these two aren't it's then, you know, it's not the thing they're just linked. And in that moment, when Said partner is singing in the shower, do something to change the way that you feel in that moment. So change your state, get up and shake around. Do a dance so that you can collapse the link and associate it with something more positive. Yes. So yeah, becoming aware of those triggers that often just go unnoticed, but over time they build up and the small things add up into those big things. And if you, you think about all of them together, so. We've got the values that maybe aren't being fulfilled. Then there's the deep love strategy that's not being met. So I don't even know if this person loves me. And on top of that, they're fricking singing in the shower every day. And it drives me crazy. And that, you know, and they didn't, they left the dishes in the sink. That obviously means that they don't love me. They have no respect for me. And it's like, no, it's just all this stuff has built up. Yes. Whereas No, what I resonate with, uh, is that music part right there. And I'm kind of laughing at myself for that, because I know for myself, I was in the same position where after my divorce, there was a certain songs. I was just like, Oh my. Gosh, I was like, I am not, I went to that one, the other extreme. I'm like, I'm not listening to any music. So it was a good while where I took myself in, out of even enjoying and listening and, you know, Being in involved with music and I loved music, so I went to the other end Yeah. Which is, didn't any of that And to bring it kind of back to the first conversation that we had that is, you know, it's like it's the music's fault or it's the person associated with the music. Yeah. Really that even the music and the song and the emotion that it evokes in us is like funny. What is it that this is bringing up in me that I'm really ready to heal because otherwise I wouldn't know about it and use that song as the opportunity to go, right, oh, yeah, I've got this emotion. And it could be as simple as sitting with it and just being okay and saying, right, I accept myself anyway, I'm safe in this moment, even with this song and just allowing it to be fully accepting ourselves. And then you'll find, oh yeah, it has nothing to do with the music. No, poor Kylie general, whoever it is. But that's why I was laughing about myself. I was like, okay, I was very extreme, but yeah, I've been there. I hate the singer. It's like it's an adult. Well, Sean, there is a lot of amazing information that you dished out to us, but if you don't Mind dishing out a little bit more. Can you share a little bit about your free goodie and also, uh, for those that are tuning in and can you tell us a little bit about it? Yeah, absolutely. So, um, firstly, thank you for indulging me. I guess I could talk about this stuff all day and I know that we kind of, we went hard hitting and went straight in there and the responsibility is all with me, um, but I think, yeah, it's. To kind of summarize it all, it is all about that communication with ourselves and then the communication that we have with others and appreciating as people we change, a change, you know, as circumstances change, as people have babies, people, children leave home, it's like as we change of people, keep, keeping those lines of communication open, are the same things still important to us? Are we still meeting those very basic desires and needs that we each have. Um, and yeah, that, that communication is kind of the key to all of this. In terms of the offer, I've put together an offer that I think will be really fitting with this. Um, which is, it's a forgiveness meditation. It's a forgiveness process. Now, the reason that I opted for this is because, particularly in relationships, forgiving can sometimes feel like a bit of a, a big ask. Especially if there's been any kind of trauma or negativity, which often there can be, you know, when it comes to relationships and how they end, don't necessarily start out that way. But, you know, it is what it is. So the, the meditation is really. About forgiveness. It's a process to allow you to cut the energetic cords with the past that often keep people tied in those situations tied to those same energetic patterns and the emotions associated with them. So it takes you through a process of forgiving the past, letting it go so that your energy can be directed elsewhere to the future. So this process in and of itself could be that very first step for somebody who's looking to create something new, looking to. heal the past, to allow in a new future. And the, the basis of it all, which kind of brings it full circle again, is that The process in and of itself is really about self forgiveness and when you do that, it forgives everybody and everything outside of you as well. Um, so it's a really empowering, beautiful, gentle process that people can go through to begin to heal and open themselves up to, to something new and wonderful that they really want. Yes. Thank you for sharing this, uh, free goody with everyone. And I, it is like that, uh, a hard and challenging part at times, depending upon where we're at in life. And that could be the very thing that is holding us back. So this is like, uh, An amazing free goodie, and you can get it with the clink or with the link down below. And, uh, Sean, I always like to leave with asking, and since this is what the interview series is all about, but is there any last piece of advice or actionable step that you would want the listeners to leave with today? Yeah, I would, I would say. As people, it's, we often find ourselves either in the past thinking about what has happened, be that what we see positive or negative, or thinking about the future and where we're going, and almost where, approaching it, that where we are right now. isn't right, it's not where we want to be, always wanting to change it. So I invite people and I encourage people to really learn to fall in love with where they are right now, no matter where that is. If you can learn to love your circumstances, knowing that you're exactly where you are meant to be, wherever it is, is perfect. And even if it's just pulling at the tiniest little thread, of I love my quilt. It was kind of a bit of gratitude weaved within that, but with intention of, you know, I want to learn to love myself and my circumstances exactly where I am. And if you can learn to do that now will feel great. And now is all we ever have. And in turn, it's going to transform the future that you begin to create and step into anyway. So embrace the moment and look for what is the gift. Here right now, there's the gifts of the past. Yes, we know that. And what is the gift of the present? Well, thank you so much for sharing your valuable insights and energy with us today. It was fun and great having you. But for those that are listening in, make sure you grab that free goodie. Uh, The forgiveness meditation, and also be sure to tune back in for the rest of our dating after divorce for women interview series. Thank you for joining us today. Mhm.